There is Nothing Wrong With Needing Support

I have a confession to make.  Do you know I didn’t know how to spell the word “mammogram” until I found the lump in my breast.    I guess it’s because I have never had one and have never had to type the word before.

Today I went to have the lump I found checked out.  I found a lump in my breast on Monday and had an appointment booked to get it checked out Wednesday.  The doctor felt it to and referred me to get a mammogram and ultrasound on Friday.  Today is Friday.

I went to The Breast Center in Fayetteville.  I was shaking as I entered the building, but I held my composure.  Actually, the entire day I was on edge.  I feel sorry for those close to me because I wasn’t myself and I wasn’t very nice because I was so stressed out.  The secretary handed me an iPad that was housed in a pink cover.  I will never forget that pink cover.

I had my first ever mammogram.  It was uncomfortable, but I clenched my teeth as my breasts were squeezed and xrayed.  I knew this was necessary to find out what that lump was that was living in my body.

After the mammogram they had me sit in a tiny room, not comfortable for more than one chair and a small table.  I tried hard to look at the magazines they offered as a way to buy time, but as I was looking at the pages, my mind was elsewhere.  All I could think about was this moment…where I was

It was time for my ultrasound.  The tech looked at the lump for a while.  Then she mentioned that there was another lump they had found during the mammogram, so she looked at that.  She looked at them and looked at them.  She even had me hum.  I hummed and hummed.  Then she said she was going to get the doctor and left the room.  It took everything in me not to cry while she was gone.  The music flowing through the speakers was elevator music, the worst of the worst.  The doctor and the tech came back into the room and looked again at the lump right below and behind my nipple.  They looked and looked and then came to the conclusion that I needed a biopsy to tell me anything more.

I continued to hold my emotions tight and within until after I made my biopsy appointment.  I walked out of the office, motioned to Brad who had been waiting patiently in the waiting room for 2 hours and then broke the floodgates that held my tears letting all of the held up emotions flow from my body.

My shoulders hunched over and sobs took over my body.

I am not one to air the things to the public that are going on in my life.  I never wrote about the fires that devoured my family’s home in San Diego, I never wrote about losing everything and filing for bankruptcy, I haven’t typed one letter about the divorce I am going through and I haven’t told very many people that my girls are in Florida while I live in Arkansas  only seeing them once a month.  I have been in some type of mourning for the past 5 years and I am done hiding my emotions and holding everything in.

This discovery has made me realize that I NEED to communicate and I NEED to release these emotions not only for myself, but for others that may be going through the same things and need some support…just like I do.

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